Dear BMW-Sauber

[wyvernchick]

TITLE: Dear BMW-Sauber
WORD COUNT(including footnote): 368
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: The FIA responds to BMW's withdrawal from Formula 1
DISCLAIMER: This fictional letter is based on information in the public domain and inspired by recent events in Formula 1.  However, certain events have been made up for the purpose of satire.  To the best of my knowledge, none of the team principals have ever attended FIA meetings in an inappropriate form of dress (but you have to admit, it might be a good way to get Max to do what you want).

THIS SHORT STORY IS A SATIRICAL RESPONSE TO CURRENT EVENTS AND NOTHING MORE.  I wrote it purely for my own amusement.

 

Sehr geehrter Herr Doktor Theissen,

 

The FIA is really sorry to hear that BMW’s too skint to come and make up numbers at the back of the grid next season.  I mean, Kubica’s OK, but Nick Heidfeld never was up to much, was he (and no, Malaysia doesn’t count… if the race had continued, who knows how far down the field he might have finished, and besides, the other car conked out completely)?  Anyway, we know times are hard for the Bayerische Motoren Werke given the current financial climate and the fact that all the arseholes who used to buy your cars have gone over to Audi (have you considered selling the team to them? It’s just a thought…). 

 

Obviously, although you didn’t mention money, we have to bring it up because your withdrawal proves that despite all of FOTA’s protests, we were right all along about the budget caps and stuff.  See?  We do know best.  Perhaps we should have been stronger and not allowed the teams to beat us into submission, but old habits die hard.  Things would doubtless have been very different if a number of team principals hadn’t turned up to a crucial meeting dressed as Oberaufseherinen*, but that was an eventuality no one could have prepared for.  Anyway, you’re knackered now, so it just proves our point.

 

Still, we’ve wasted enough time on this, so it just remains to say that we will miss Robert Kubica’s terminally tragic hair (who is his stylist, exactly? Castrol?) and Nick Heidfeld’s Joy of Sex beard.  Still, if people squint a bit and don’t look too closely, Herr Heidfeld might just be able to eke out a living as a Jenson Button lookalike.  Pan Kubica, of course, has no such option but he looks like he should have an empire of dodgy websites to keep him going.  If he doesn’t, we strongly recommend he start one; we might know some people who know some people if he needs a few pointers…

 

So that’s it then.  Been nice knowing you.  Don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out.

 

Lots of love,

 

Max and Bernie xx

 

 

 

 

*Oberaufseherinen: Rank given to senior concentration camp wardresses